by Christopher Barnes

Imagine how sick that Avicii x Barbra Bush collab is in heaven right now....

Apr 23rd, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

I’m that type of hung over where I don’t know if im starving or about to vomit up that Mcdonalds I ate at 3 am...

Apr 22nd, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

I’m so business minded now that I stopped DM’ing girls and started CC’ing them...

Apr 17th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

John Mulaney should be the lead in at least one movie next year. That’s all.

Apr 15th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

Every white dude in NYC has a sunburn right now... including myself.

Apr 14th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

A new study just found that hand dryers are actually unsanitary, so let’s all just go back to pissing directly on our hands...

Apr 13th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

National Sibling Day was invented by the Deep State so that you could get more likes on your Instagram.

Apr 11th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

“God sent me to piss the world off!”
- Slim Shady (and probably Ted Cruz)

Apr 10th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

Why are all of the cities in Florida are named like strippers... ?

Apr 10th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

The Office should have ended after season 7.

Come at me with all you got !!!

Apr 9th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

Let’s be honest, a salt bagel is just a white circular pretzel.

Apr 6th, 2018 via twitter

by Christopher Barnes

*wears American Eagle belt to job interview.

Apr 6th, 2018 via twitter